


Where's The 'Good' In Goodbye?

by WillGrammer



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Alcohol, But all I really care about is Noble and not the rest of his family, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Fix-It, Future Fic, Heartache, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Noble Sanfino is a bisexual methhead, Regret, Sadness, The Sanfino Arc deserved more screen time, emotional breakdown, fight me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:23:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillGrammer/pseuds/WillGrammer
Summary: At his safe apartment, Noble reflects upon his life after meeting Jimmy Riordan.





	1. After You

Spending his days in witness protection was really taking its toll on Noble. Not only because of the silence in his hidden apartment, but because of the static in his head.

 

No other sound registered in his mind but that annoying buzz of nothingness. His hand recovered a few weeks after the shooting. Earlier than expected, too.

 

_He was a Sanfino, after all._

 

Maybe that's why Jimmy hadn’t told him he was a cop.

 

Maybe if he weren't a criminal then he would actually been able to still have Jimmy in his life, to be reliable enough for the man to share his secrets with.

 

-

 

Staring down at his open cane of sweet corn, Noble picked the small spoon over the table and buried it inside the cane. Playing with it rather than attempting to eat from it.

 

His stomach turned each time he remembered the worry in Jimmy’s voice seconds before he was shot.

 

_Turn around and get back in your car. Get out of there!_

 

It was obvious he cared. No matter how drastically their relationship changed after he saw him again, Jimmy cared for him. He was genuinely worried for him, and that made Noble's heart ache, because it was all burned to ashes now.

 

His confidence to trust anyone but himself, the way he saw the world. The way he saw Jimmy, _or whatever his name was._ It was all changed.

 

And he was forced to accept it with each passing day since he testified.

 

Spending each day on his own until some rookie would knock on his door and bring him groceries, and then he would go back to his solitude.

 

To his little corner in the kitchen, staring at the closed window. Wishing he could  just open it and feel the breeze against his skin, not minding if anyone were to see him.

 

What was the point in going after his family, anyway? His sister was gone. With a new name and a new life, she would bloom anywhere she went. Noble knew that.

 

He wished he could say the same for himself, but he wasn't going to give in to the temptation of escaping reality with his imagination. He wasn't weak like that.

 

Should he be? Should he shelter his mind from how painful it was to deal with the fact that Jimmy never intended to be his friend? It hurt. It hurt to wake up every morning and remember how starved he was. Not for food, but for the man he considered to be his savior.

 

Because after all… his life split in two.

 

Before he met Jimmy Riordan, and after.

 

As sad as it was for Noble to admit it; things would never go back to be as they were.

 

And his friendship with Jimmy will forever remain a memory.

 

A very painful, colorful, eventful memory.


	2. He Was A Friend Of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie reflects upon his recent decision to pull away from his relationship with Noble.
> 
> Warnings: Alcohol use, Emotional Breakdown.

The way Noble's expression changed from confusion to numbness haunted Jaime. It was seconds before the man ran forward to punch him, and frankly... Jaime thought he deserved to get hit. 

 

He fooled him, after all. Gained his trust and respect as well as his friendship. _One could say that he even crept into Noble's heart._ The man had every right to punch him for that. 

 

He did what he had to do, for the sake of the investigation. For the sake of the precinct. It wasn't personal. At least... He didn't mean it to be.

But it was complicated.  _They_   were complicated. He doubted anyone would ever understand what he was willing to do in order to keep the man out of harm's way. Anyone but his father and himself will remain blind to how sympathetic he really was towards the young Sanfino.  _Noble himself, included everyone else._

 

Sitting at his office desk and wishing that things would have been different wasn't going to change anything, but it wasn't completely useless either. 

 

Mostly because Reagan knew that if he'd stop creating different versions of this... _unsatisfying_ , reality, he'd go to the only place he wanted to be in. 

 

With the only person, he wanted to be with. 

 

Noble.

 

-

 

Now pacing around his desk with a cold glass of whiskey in his hand, Jaime half-smiled sadly when thinking of the day he got a call from Noble during his patrol; right after he left rehab. 

 

The day where he met Bianca, and Richie. 

 

The day where he was exposed to the darker side of Noble Sanfino. 

 

It was... eventful. The way the man smiled at him as they sat beside one another at the bar. He could remember the sun lightning his soft brown curls, and shadowing his left eye since his position was right behind a window. He was... 

 

Captivating. Breathtaking, really. Jaime had never seen a man half as handsome as Noble Sanfino was. He doubted he ever will, too.

 

-

 

A long while passed and the moonlight now shined through the open window in Jaime's office. An empty bottle of whiskey was displayed upon his desk as if he was showing off how capable he was to get severely drunk by himself. 

 

He sniffed and sat with his knees pressed to his chest, his back pressed against the closed locked door while tears streamed down his cheeks and he bit his lip tightly, swallowing thickly to suppress his crying from getting too vocal.

 

''I'm sorry,'' he hiccuped and titled his head back to keep it against the firm door. No one would hear him in the dead of the night. 

 

_Nobody that mattered._

 

He was alone, but Noble was everywhere. His voice haunted Jaime's ears again and again in his unstable state. He could hear those viper-like last words that were spoken to him by the young Sanfino again and again, his green eyes dark and vicious. Cold.  _Emotionless._

 

_''This conscience of yours, it lets you gain people's trust. Perfect Strangers. And then you screw 'em over.''_

 

''You're wrong, no,'' Jaime sobbed as he fisted his hands through his short brown hair, pulling lightly and squeezing his eyes shut. His heart hammered through his chest as warm tears continued to make their way down his cheeks like waterfalls, staining his jeans. 

 

 _''You're a weasel with a badge.''_ Noble continued to say, and Jaime remembered the way he stared at him before they parted ways. 

 

''I'm sorry,'' he said again, his hands dropping to each side of his body now, as his eyes opened slowly to meeting the hallucination of the man staring down at him. 

 

 _''That's not enough and you know that,''_ his voice was soft despite the way he stood. Buffing his chest and his arching his back, and Reagan stretched out his hand to reach to him while supporting himself against the door, trying to stand. 

 

''I'll... I'll find you,'' he told him, the gentle scent of his perfume filling his nose. Bringing him inner peace, of sorts.

 

''I'll make it right.'' Jaime took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a long second, aware that the entire conversation he just had was imaginary and that the Noble he saw wasn't the Noble he missed. It was just his guilt transformed into the person he hurt, and nothing more. 

 

First thing's first, he had to sober up before even starting to check for possible locations where Noble was hidden. 

 

And he was going to search through every fucking apartment of the witness protection program in New York City if it meant finding him and making things right.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... I watched BrokeBack Mountain two nights ago, and the song can't get out of my damn head, obviously. Great title to use, right? I mentioned the possibility of a part 2 (Jaime's POV) coming up in the comments a few hours ago. I plan to write at least two more chapters to close the plotline, so stay tuned! 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: https://will-grammer.tumblr.com/
> 
> PLEASE feel free to comment and kudos down below, it really means the world for me. 
> 
> Until next time,  
> -Alex.


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